May 30, 2013
I’ve had this hot massage oil lotion called Liquid Love in Pear flavor for some time now. I think a friend gave it to me as a gag gift.. ya know one of those Sex Gifts. Anyways, every morning after I take a shower I always lube up from head to toe. I ran out of my usual lotion cream. So I sift through my bag and I see the Liquid Love.
“Anahit, just use the hot oil.” I’m hesitating. “Hun (it’s important to be nice to yourself), it’s not like you’re dating anyone and it doesn’t look like you’ll have a boyfriend anytime soon, so when the hell are you gonna use that oil? You could get hit by a bus tomorrow and you’ll never know what that hot oil feels like.”
“Fine!” (out loud) I open the bottle put some on my hands and start massaging it into my skin and immediately it heats up. oh wow ahhh mmm yowzer, nothing sexual of course, it just feels super good; tastes good too. Besides I was in a rush this morning.
More self talk: “Why the hell have I waited this long? I don’t need no stinkin’ boyfriend for this! And it’s important to love yourself.”
(I can talk myself into anything)
So I get dressed and jam out the door. Fast forward an hour later, as I’m working on the computer, I realize there’s a reason that hot oil has a specific use. Somewhere in the fine print, it probably says “use the hot oil with your lover to get you in the mood, then have wonderful sex, and then maybe some more sex while you SHOWER afterwards! Make sure you shower!”
Why? I don’t know if it has some sort of a reaction with the skin after awhile, but I have been squirming in my seat feeling totally grossed out and icky. This thing has become super sticky. My clothes are clinging to me and it feels like a tub of maple syrup was dropped on me. Unfortunately I won’t be able to go home for awhile… and now I’m paranoid, sure people are looking at me fidget in my seat. They know. They know what I’ve done. They know that I’ve self-loved with hot oil. They know my dark icky sticky secret.
I have to move out of the city right now.
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